Saturday, June 1, 2013

Old School Wrestling: WrestleMania 6

Holy Crap! Constellations!

The promotion on this one was all about the constellations of Hogan and Warrior in the skies and it was corny and terrible but oh so funny. Just watch the promo video. It’s so worth it. However, this is the WrestleMania where the wrestlers get stuck doing matches they don’t want to do. It’s a common theme.

So. Onto the matches!

Koko B. Ware vs. Rick “the Model” Martel

I was excited to see the ring cart/gondola back! I just like it, it’s so fun to see. The production quality shows the extra money put into the event and the screens are huge in the arena. The match itself is pretty good. It’s nice to see Koko given a singles match, even if he is curtain jerking, aka. being the first match of the night. Rick Martel won the match with the boston crab submission hold. I always like submission hold wins, they don’t happen often.

Ax and Smash as Demolition vs. Andre the Giant and Haku with Bobby Heenan as the Colossal Connection

This match has some classic Bobby Heenan as the weasel action. Andre doesn’t really wrestle much, he’s reaching the end of his tenure, so Haku does most of the work. Andre does heel stuff in the corner as best he can. He looks really tired. The crowd really gets into the build up of Haku beating the heck out of Demolition as a proper heel, then Demolition getting Andre tied up in the ropes. Bobby Heenan acts like a good weasel throughout all of this.

It makes Andre turn face by beating up Heenan after the match when Heenan gets mad at Andre for getting tied up. This lets Andre finally retire and go out as a face. After all, the best way to turn face is to punch Bobby Heenan.

Earthquake with Jimmy Hart vs Hercules

I’m surprised Hercules has been around so long, but he is a perfect mid-card. He can put any new guy over and test talent. They bury Hercules, though, which is really stupid. Earthquake is a ridiculous character and I don’t like him. I know they want to build him for Hogan, but I don’t buy Earthquake for a second. He looks like a slob.

Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect with the Genius

Beefcake’s tights are, as always, awful. Could he cut them any closer to his ass? Ugh.

Perfect oversells like crazy, then doesn’t pull any of his kicks. Was there some kind of bad blood in real life? Perfect seems extra vicious and really oversells his moves. It makes Beefcake look like a chump throughout the whole match. It gets to the point of hilarity because you can just tell Perfect’s pissed off at Brutus. Beefcake ends up beating Perfect and ends his perfect record with a stupid move. Oh. That explains the whole match. No wonder Perfect was being brutal with his punches and kicks. I’m sorry, but Brutus comes off as a bully and a jerk, and wears the worst tights in the history of wrestling. I just am not a fan of his.

Bad News Brown vs “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

There was a Michael Jackson reference with Piper being black and white with a glove? I’m not sure. Anyway, the match was a good brawl. You can count on these two putting on a good brawl match. It was a double count out. Pretty basic.

Bret Hart and Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart as The Hart Foundation vs. Nikolai Volkoff and Boris Zhukov as The Bolsheviks

The Hart Foundation has upgraded to their fancy tights and Bret gave out his sunglasses! They are truly making it big now. It’s great to see. This is a fast tag team match. Bret is fast and furious and Jim hits his moves with precision. Excellence in execution by both of them. It was over in seconds.

The Barbarian with Bobby Heenan vs. Tito Santana

Chico’s Revenge! The commentary at the beginning about burritos is hilarious and worth a youtube. We were cracking up. The match was great except the end, which was exactly like the Perfect match. Tito did all the beating up, then Barbarian hit a singular powerful move and beat Chico. It was a little repetitive.

“Macho Man” Randy Savage and “Sensational Queen” Sherri vs. Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire with Miss Elizabeth.

There is one comment when Macho Man and Sherri are entering the ring. Jessie goes, “You know what’s great about Macho Man and Sherri? They pay their taxes...” and there’s 10 seconds of dead air. Youtube it. It’s so funny.

This is the second WrestleMania using Miss Elizabeth against Savage. Sigh. The sheer athleticism of Savage puts everyone else to shame. He’s up and down all around the ring like he was born in it, like it’s his toy to play with, yet he’s clearly pissed off for the whole match. You can see it in his face. I can’t imagine going from main event WrestleMania 5 to being in a gimmick match at WrestleMania 6. It’d be mad too if I had Macho Man’s clear talent.

Sapphire’s pin is terrible, as was her “wrestling” and it makes the match lose it’s legitimacy. I have no problem with Dusty Rhodes, I’ve actually started to like him when before I thought he was questionable at best, and Sapphire did her best. The problem with the match is Macho Man is clearly so much better than the rest of them that he outshone the match itself.

Promo - 
Next up was a promo video for the main event. The Hogan promos are silly and I’m going to make snide remarks throughout all of them because they are all the same. Brother, brother brother. However, the Warrior promos Need No Microphones and Want to Bring the Hulkamaniacs And Little Warriors Together Through The Pores Of His Skin Raaaaahhhhh!

Sato and Tanaka as The Orient Express with Mr. Fuji vs. Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty as The Rockers

There are a ton of double moves and this is a good high flying match. The ending with salt in Jannetty’s eye and a count out allowed the Orient Express to get a win for Fuji and let the Rocker’s loose without them losing their hard earned momentum. It was an interesting and different ending.

Jim “the Hacksaw” Duggan vs Dino Bravo with Jimmy Hart and Earthquake

The match was pretty good. I generally like Hacksaw matches. It wasn’t stellar. I didn’t like how Earthquake had to be there to bury Hacksaw. It was so stupid that Earthquake had to be built up for the Hogan feud.

“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase with Virgil vs. Jake “the Snake” Roberts

This match was lagging because the crowd started doing the wave of all things, but DiBiase took the heat back by yelling at the fans to get the attention back on the match. After that, the attention was on the match as it should be. Pretty quiet match, lots of holds, not a lot of action. I’ve been following Jake Roberts as he’s been recovering with Diamond Dallas Page’s help and so it’s nice to see some of his wrestling. He was a good technical wrestler, this match shows that. Very good ring psychology.

The Big Boss Man vs. Akeem with Slick

Boss Man has dropped quite a bit of weight. It’s a short match and the crowd starts off dead. They do pop when Boss Man wins. Akeem’s popularity as a heel is waning.

Segment - 
The Honky Tonk Man has a segment, where he comes out to sing a song. There’s an easter egg. He comes out in a pink Cadillac. It’s driven by Diamond Dallas Page. Ha!

The segment is horrible. Honky Tonk Man cannot sing and obviously Hammer Valentine does not want to be there because his expression is so bored and annoyed. Thank goodness the Bushwhackers come out to break it up. Yes, Bushwhackers, end it, end it now! I’ve never been so happy to see them!

Rick Rude with Bobby Heenan vs. Jimmy Snuka

This is a wake-up the crowd match. Both guys are crazy in shape, but Rude lost some of his chest mass since having the work-off matches with Warrior. It is a powerful match. Both guys are nice and strong and the match has good tough moves. It’s a loud match.

And now for the main event!

Ultimate Warrior vs. Hulk Hogan!

Ultimate Warrior’s hair! It’s outta control!

Ok. I’m going to admit. I’m rooting for Warrior throughout the whole match.

Hulkster looks bloated like a grape. As my husband says “He’s got 24 inch pythons and an 18 inch forehead.” He’s got one heck of a horseshoe. Hogan looks terrible. He’s panting from rest holds and he gets “injured” like... right away.

So this is the match. Hogan gets injured badly and limps around. Then his leg is magically healed a minute later and the commentary has to make shit up like idiots to make up for Hogan’s bad selling. Actor my ass. He can’t even do a chin lock right. Warrior has to move himself to make the chin lock look good.

Warrior carries this match. He has to shove Hogan around and you can see Warrior getting frustrated as Hogan flops around like a limp noodle because he’s so gassed. When Hogan finally shows that stupid grin and does his three moves of doom, I just knew he would win and I threw my hands up and groaned at my husband.

The leg drop hits, and Warrior gets out of the way? Wait, what? No one gets out of the way of Hogan’s leg drops. Warrior gets Hogan and pins him. Warrior wins! Oh my god, Warrior won? Hogan lost? What planet did I just land on? Hogan’s “tears” are a welcome relief. Get his overly tanned, ketchup and mustard, you look like a hot dog, arse out of the ring and give Warrior some seriously awesome ring time! I am so sick of Hogan at this point. I have no idea how people lived through it when the wrestling era was actually going on. Let Warrior be the champion for a while, please! This is the first time that Hogan lost at a pay per view since we started watching and it was about freaking time!

Final thoughts - 
The pay per view ended excellently on a very high note. Warrior deserved the win. So many of the wrestlers I liked had to do matches they weren’t thrilled about, so it was great to see Warrior win the championship and see Hogan lose his precious title. Also, like a good champ, Warrior didn’t spend 6 hours patting himself on the back and posing in the ring. Woo!

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