Saturday, July 23, 2011

Mighty Morphin' Unicorn Rangers!

Another post for about unicorns this week.  I tossed the topic to my husband, who immediately said I needed to write a story about unicorn glue... and upon further discussion we came up with an awesome idea which became the below story.  Based heavily on a childhood TV show, of course!

“Ahhh!  After 161 years I’m FREE!” shouted the most disgusting woman in existence.  She had sprung out of a sewer drain built in the 1850’s into the center of New York City’s central park and onto the surprised Buster’s Tree Removal Service workers who had been pulling up a very old, but very dead tree, which happened to have grown around the last of the original sewage system.

“It’s time to disgust… EARTH!”  Screamed the old hag.  That’s what she looked like, an old hag from the movies, complete with rotting dress and an entirely over-ripe pimple complete with ingrown hairs on the tip of her very pointed nose.


 “Alfalfa! Rudita’s escaped!” blared a muffled voice from a head suck in a pickle jar filled with 161 year old formaldehyde.  “Assemble a team of above average looking teenagers with attitude!”  The head was bald and nearly rotted away, but it didn’t seem to mind not having body anymore.

“Oh no!” cried the pickle jar’s companion, a strange looking robot creation of metal and steaming gears that whistled crazily as it waddled around on hydraulic steam legs.  “what shall we do Zolar!  We don’t have any of the Unicorn Glue to create the rangers!  What will we do!  Oh this is a disaster!” Alfalfa hissed steam out of the small whistle next to his rather bizarre looking head, which was really just a can with holes poked where the eyes and nose might be and a small magical speaker where the mouth was.

“We will have to create some, Revolta cannot be allowed to spread her filth!  Hurry Alfalfa!” cried the head, bubbles flowing up through the formaldehyde to make slow blorping noise at the top.  It made it hard to hear Zolar.

“Oh dear!  I think we still have a unicorn left, don’t we Zolar?” asked the hysterical steam robot monstrosity.  They were located in a freak show type museum where forgotten and dusty novelties of past circus’ were kept.  The “Real Talking Head In A Jar!” and “Automated Robot From The Ages!!!” had long ago stopped being big attractions now in 2011, but the owner of the novelty store hadn’t the heart to throw them out... or pay the rent. 

Just outside the mildewing windows a pile of stinky, steaming poo hit the dirty pane of glass with a loud “SPLORT!” followed by an evil cackle.

“DIE IN POOP!” snarled the disgusting hag, who was flinging sewer remains around by use of a small bucket shaped like a castle from the nearby playground and a really cute matching pink plastic shovel.

“We haven’t much time Alfalfa!  Create the glue necessary to give them the power to destroy Revolta!” said the head in a jar.  He had to repeat his instructions twice before the robot could understand him, so loud was his agitated bubbling.

Alfalfa nodded and with much stopping, starting, and misfiring of his old gears, the robot worked his way to the back of the novelty store where a sign advertised for the “First and Only Unicorn!!!!”

The unicorn wasn’t alive, of course.  It was stuffed like all the other fake fabled creatures that lined the sides of the freak museum.  Things like the three headed duck, where one head was the front half of a fish.  Or the dragon, which was really just a lizard that had fake wings taped to it.

Only thing different about the unicorn is that it once had been real and lived in Ireland in amongst the little people.  Normally given to teasing the humans that lived around it, the unicorn had gotten careless in his old age and gotten too close to a disbelieving hunter who had killed the beast and stuffed him to prove to his friends he’d seen a real live unicorn. The stuffed beast was not in the best shape, the fur was full of holes and half the fur was gone across the top of the creature.  Some child years ago had stuck a hand full of sticky candy on it’s belly and it’d never been cleaned so the red candy stuck out on the white skin like it was bleeding.  But the horn and hooves were still perfect, they were magic after all.  The horn and hooves shone like the inside of a seashell in the dim light of the abandoned museum.

Alfalfa found a handy giant pot in one of the dioramas of peasant life and started a fire in the middle of the entryway.  Stripping the hooves and horn off the unicorn were easy enough.  The fur was so worn that the horn came right off and Alfalfa leaned his considerable metal weight against the unicorn’s side until it fell over, the hooves came off with a hefty yank. In the back pantry with cleaning supplies, the steam robot found everything else he needed.

It took a few hours in which the dirty hag had run a-muck, flinging poo around central park then clambering up trees to evade the park police, then coming down again only to find more sewage to toss around.  Even more zits and moles grew on the hag’s face as she wrecked Central Park, each more disgusting than the last.

Once Revolta found manhole covers she branched out, finding ways to back up the sewer system unchecked, filling up nearby building’s basements with raw waste across 5th avenue until even the most swanky of businesses had to shut down due to the foul odor of rotting poop.

Evening fell before the robot and the talking head finished their creations.  Out of the unicorn’s body five vials of glue had been made.  Not just any glue, though.  A little known fact about unicorns is their hooves make rainbow glue, which can be separated into different colors to create the most powerful and magical glue the world over.  Each color got it’s own matching bottle, painstakingly painted while the glue had been boiling.  Pink, yellow, blue, black and red.

Quickly, Alfalfa summoned the powers of the MIGHTY MORPHIN' UNICORN GLUE RANGERS! and five above average looking teenagers got a very strong compulsion to find their ways through New York’s now stinky roads to a run down looking freak show museum where, unbelievably, a talking head in a pickle jar and a mechanical steam robot convinced them to stick a tiny bit of glue on their fingers. 

The glue stuck their fingers together and created a set of magical coins that would summon their unicorn powers which would give them heightened fighting abilities and the means to create weapons of mass poo-clean up, including super sized air freshener cans which they sprayed around with exaggerated movements and lots of whooshing noises.

And thus began the war between the nasty hag Revolta and the above average looking Mighty Unicorn Glue Rangers… until the Glue Rangers became addicted to the glue aroma and Revolta was imprisoned, forced to bathe, and got a court ordered facial by the New York’s finest sanitation department.  They had incurred enormous fines and legal fees on her for all her vandalism. 

Years later Revolta made a reality show in court ordered rehab to recover from her obsessive compulsive fecal matter flinging and on the reality show she apologized to each Unicorn Glue Ranger. She later paid for them to be taken to rehab for glue addiction using the money she‘d gotten from the generous reality show deal. 

Once it came out about Alfalfa and the talking head Zolar they were taken to court for subjecting young teenagers to drugs and sentenced to intense community service.  Zolar had to make anti-drug commercials and poor Alfalfa was sentenced to fixing New York’s continuing sewer issues, seeing as he couldn’t smell.

Of the last remaining glue from each of the Mighty Morphin' Unicorn Glue Ranger’s bottles?  No one ever knew what happened to them, not even the former glue rangers… legend has it that someone combined all the glues together and created the most powerful glue on Earth…